Pain In My Heart
by Cerridwen
Summary: A SeverusLily lovestory.
1. The DADA lesson

A/N: This is my first fanfic ever, so please review and tell me what you think about it.

Pain In My Heart

Chapter 1

The bell rang. Lily stuffed the book she had been reading in her bag and went out of the library making her way through the jostling crowd to her Defence Against the Dark Arts class, rather reluctantly. She hated Defence Against the Dark Arts. She had never been good at it, in fact she was the worst in class. Outside the classroom her classmates from Gryffindor and the Slytherins were already waiting by the time she arrived. Defence Against the Dark Arts was the only class the Gryffindors had together with the Slytherins. James Potter, Sirius Black, Remus Lupin and Peter Pettigrew, the inseparable Gryffindor gang, were laughing at some joke. Lily joined her friends Kathleen Wood and Anita Jones who were reading a copy of  _Witch Weekly._

"Hey, Lily", Kathleen greeted her. "You have to look at that", she said thrusting _Witch Weekly at Lily. "Contact lenses that change colour! All colours available and you can even program the changing interval!" Lily smiled. Kathleen was always crazy about the latest fashion._

"Kat, honestly, who wants eyes that look like traffic lights?" she said shaking her head. Kat rolled her eyes. "You've got no sense for fashion!" she complained. "Have I already told you that?"

"About a hundred times!" Lily said laughing. She looked over to the Slytherins who were making their own jokes, presumably about the Gryffindors, judging by their smirking faces. Among the Slytherins was Severus Snape, the one Lily could stand the least of the whole school and this feeling was most likely mutual. She caught Snape's eye.

"Looking forward to another Defence Against the Dark Arts class, Lily?" he sneered at her. He couldn't stand Gryffindors in general and especially not Lily. That almost top-student of the school, conceited like anything who always hung around with that James Potter and Sirius Black who he hated – if possible – even more. To his luck Lily had exactly that single class where she was really weak with him. And he didn't miss a chance to take advantage of that and tease her about it. He remembered all too well the time as they had Flying lessons together and she and her friends had teased him about his weak flying skills. Lily and James had both been picked for the house Quidditch team and ever since Severus had envied them their popularity and success. At that time he had promised to pay them back.

Lily merely answered with a scowl in his direction to the mocking question. Sirius who had overheard the remark called over to her loud enough for Severus to hear it: "If you ever feel bothered by him and you think you need some help – like beating him up for example – just let us know about it." He winked at her.

"If I were you, I wouldn't talk so big, Black!" Snape said coldly.

"You don't believe me? You'd be surprised!" Sirius retorted.

At that moment the classroom door opened and Professor Flitwick, the Defence Against the Dark Arts teacher let them in making an end to their argument. Lily, Kat and Anita took their seats in the third row, Kat and Anita still talking excitedly about their colour-changing contact lenses. 

As everyone had settled down, Professor Flitwick announced: "We are going to have some practical experience today. I'll pair you off and we will practice duelling."

Lily groaned. Especially this was what she hated most about Defence Against the Dark Arts: duelling. They had already practised it a few times before and each time Lily had lost spectacularly to whichever partner she took. It was her bad luck that Professor Flitwick liked duelling so much, so he had them do it rather often. One wouldn't believe it of the tiny man but he was an excellent dueller and had even won several championships the recent years. 

"I'm going to put you together in pairs regarding your ability in duelling", he went on. "When I'm calling your name, join your partner."

Morosely Lily watched James being paired off with Sirius, Kat with Anita...

"Evans" As Professor Flitwick reached her name he gave a sigh and shook his head. "Well, join Pettigrew", he finally declared. Reluctantly Lily made her way towards Peter Pettigrew. He wasn't a good student in general and he had only passed all his classes so far because his friends James, Sirius and Remus were helping him. _Somehow, Lily thought, __he doesn't  really match them. He seemed rather weak and dumb in comparison with his clever friends who were always up to something plotting ways of sneaking out of the school and that sort of thing. He hadn't reached her level of inability for Defence Against the Dark Arts yet, though. _

Finally everyone was paired off except for Severus Snape who stood next to Flitwick and was usually used for demonstrations Flitwick made. He was by far the best in class. Already in their first year he had known an awful lot about the Dark Arts. He seemed fascinated by them. _He could even be a match for Flitwick, Lily thought. _

Flitwick however ended her thoughts by announcing: "Today we are practising how to disarm your opponent and how to block it. Face your partner and hold your wand in the combative position. On the count of three one of each team will disarm the partner with the words '_Expelliarmus' while the other one blocks the curse with '__Fermato'. I'm going to demonstrate the bit here with Snape."_

Flitwick and Snape faced each other, swung their wands and Flitwick cried: "_Expelliarmus!" sending red sparks at Snape which Snape blocked easily shouting "__Fermato!" and sending blue sparks against the red ones which froze in mid-air and vanished. "Excellent", Flitwick beamed at Snape and Severus gave a complacent smile. Then Fitwick turned to the rest of the students: "You've all seen how it works. Now – ready? One – two – three –"_

Lily, noticing Pettigrew to start the disarm-curse swung her wand and cried: "_Fermato!" only to find herself being hit backwards by a stream of red sparks and falling to the floor some feet away, her wand flying out of her hand. Her back aching she got up and picked up her wand for a new try, Peter watching her with a pitiful expression. The lesson went on with Lily – whether she was the attacker of defender – not achieving anything. Her wand simply didn't do what she wanted. It was rather depressing that even Pettigrew who was usually the worst in every class was even better than her in Defence Against the Dark Arts. But what did it matter, she was used to losing after all and to the disapproving looks Flitwick gave her every time. _

Severus who stood leaning against the wall (he didn't have a partner and didn't need to practice after all) watched her all the time with a sneer on his face. _Pitiful, he thought. __She's even incapable of performing the easiest spells...He liked those lessons where he could just lean back and watch the others. Preferably Lily since this was a subject where she was really bad at for a change. It gave him a feeling of complacence and superiority to see that._

Finally the bell rang for the end of the lesson. Relieved Lily packed her back and pushed towards the door with the rest of the students. Over the noise she heard Professor Flitwick call: "Evans, Snape! I want a word, please."

Surprised Lily turned back giving Kat and Anita a puzzled look and telling them to wait for her in the Gryffindor common room and followed Severus to the desk. 

Also Severus was surprised and wondered what Flitwick could want. Why didn't he tell me while the others were practising? He stopped in front of the desk eyeing Flitwick with a baffled look.

"Miss Evans", Professor Flitwick began. "As you probably know yourself, you're the worst student in this class." Severus gave her a nasty grin.

"Today's lesson was the final prove that it can't go on like that", Flitwick continued. "Therefore I chose someone for you who will give you some extra lessons and help you to improve your marks. And you, Mr. Snape, as you might have guessed by now, are this person."

Lily's face fell. She stared at Professor Flitwick in horror. If she had to work with Snape – him of all people – it would be a nightmare. Snape always treated her with such contempt, was always sneering about her inability in Defence Against the Dark Arts and making sarcastic remarks.

"But, Professor...you can't – " she spluttered. She looked at Snape. He wore a morose and disdainful expression. Clearly the thought of having to sacrifice precious free time and having to teach her on top of that didn't please him either.

Severus was, indeed, not pleased_. That was all I needed – having to help *her* to a better mark! he thought grimly. But it would be no good arguing with Professor Flitwick. _

"Oh, yes, I can and I will." Professor Flitwick said in a determined voice. "I would ask you to forget your disputes for a while now and start working. It is for a good purpose after all. You will train twice a week on Tuesday and Friday evening. I'll make sure my classroom will be free for you at this time. That's it. You may go now."

Still speechless Lily went out on the corridor, Severus following her. 

"Already dreading the tuition?" He sneered after having closed the door. "I really don't know what Flitwick's expecting, I doubt there is anything one could do about _your marks. You're beyond help if you ask me."_

"Oh, shut up, you stupid git!" she hissed turning on her heel and storming down the corridor towards Gryffindor tower. 

Severus watched her with a grim expression. _I'll give her a good hiding on Tuesday, he promised himself._

***

Outraged Lily stormed up the staircase, along the corridor to the entrance to Gryffindor tower, snapped the password at the Fat Lady and let the portrait slam shut after she had climbed through the hole. Outside she could hear the Fat Lady shriek in indignation. Sitting in a corner she saw Kat and Anita still busy with _Witch Weekly. She went over and let herself fall into an armchair. _

Noticing the expression on Lily's face, Anita asked: "What's up, Lily? What did Flitwick want? You don't look as if you were in the best mood."

"He makes me taking tuition because I'm so bad at Defence Against the Dark Arts. Said this was the final prove that I had to do something about my bad marks and he's chosen someone to help me and give me extra lessons. And I give you three guesses who that someone is!" Lily snarled.

Kat and Anita looked at Lily in an unbelieving way. "You don't mean –" Kat began.

"Yes, exactly. Severus Snape!" Lily finished bitterly. "I don't want to think about that I'm now going to spend two free evenings a week with _him. It'll be awful!"_

"Oh, Lily", Anita said sympathetically. And Kat added: "Rather you than me. I would make an effort to get over with that as quickly as possible if I were you."

"That's a good piece of advice!" Lily said sourly. "Don't you have something better on tap? How I can get one over on Snape for example?"

But her friends couldn't come up with anything useful either. Still grumpy Lily finally went up to her dormitory, sulking.


	2. Unexpected Turnings

Pain In My Heart

Pain In My Heart

Chapter 2

Still in an extremely grumpy mood Lily made her way to the Defence Against the Dark Arts classroom on Tuesday after dinner to meet Snape and start their first training session. As she opened the door, she saw that Severus was already there, sitting on a desk.

"Ah, how nice, you've finally brought yourself to come too!" He greeted her, his voice dripping with sarcasm.

"Sorry", murmured Lily reluctantly. She knew she had been late.

"If you already use up my precious time, you could at least not waste it that openly. Not that this whole thing had any use, though." he sneered.

"I didn't ask for your help", Lily replied coldly. "It was Professor Flitwick who made you teach me. I haven't chosen you. I could think of enough other people who aren't bad at duelling either and who I'd love to work with in comparison to you."

"For example?"

"There are Sirius, James –"

"Oh, yeah, our Quidditch star! As if _he_ would know anything about duelling! But I would trust you to want to spend some extra time with that loser. Such a shame he's so busy with Quidditch practice!"

"He is _no_ loser! You are just jealous that you aren't as popular as him!" Lily shouted. "If someone's a loser, it's you! You know exactly what a pathetic flyer you are and that you will never stand a chance of getting picked for the Quidditch team. But he has all the fame and glory you actually want. And that's why you hate him!"

"Don't make me laugh! That's perposterous!" Severus snorted. In reality, however, he was seething with rage. He hated to admit it, even in front of himself, but Lily had hit the nail on the head. He hated that James Potter for his fame and success in Quidditch and for his popularity. It was always James who was admired by everyone, especially the girls. He was almost constantly surrounded by some. However, no girl had ever looked at him, Severus, in an interested way. And he hated James for all he had and he himself had been deprived of.

Severus briskly changed the subject. "Let's get started. I want to get over with that." he said shortly. "I'm going to disarm you and you try to block it so that I can see what you're doing wrong."

Lily took her place opposite him and held her wand in front of her. Severus, still in rage, swung his wand shouting "_Expelliarmus_". However, the wand gained power by his flaming anger, red sparks shot out of the end with double speed and force as usually. Lily tried in vain to block them and the charm hit her with full force smashing her into the wall behind. In horror Lily screamed as she was lifted off her feet. With a thud she hit the wall, everything becoming black as she slid to the floor, unconcious.

Severus stared in shock as Lily, helpless like a doll, flew into the air and slammed into the wall. Then he saw her lying on the floor, livid and motionless. She looked horribly like dead. _I didn't mean to do that_, he thought frantically. Eyes wide in horror, he hurried to the prone figure of Lily and knelt beside her. _Please, don't let her be dead_, he begged. 

Slowly, very slowly, Lily opened her eyes. Everything she could see was a blur of colours and a searing pain shot through her head. After a while the world around her came into focus and she could see Severus bent over her, his face chalk-white, his black eyes filled with fear and concern. It was the first time in her life that Lily saw Severus with such an expression. For once he didn't wear his usual sneer and he looked strangely vulnerable without it. 

A wave of relief swept over Severus as he saw Lily opening her eyes. _She's not dead, thank God!_ He'd never felt so relieved and at the same time so utterly guilty in his life. He looked in her eyes and for the first time he realised how beautiful she actually was. Her eyes had the colour of emeralds and her thick long hair was of a rich dark red colour which matched her eyes amazingly. 

"Lily –" he began. "Are you alright?"

Lily nodded mutely but only to contort her face in pain. The movement had sent another sharp pain through her head.

"My head", she groaned.

"Can you get up?" Severus asked in a concerned voice. "I'll help you." He supported her and she clung gratefully to his arm.

"Thanks", she muttered.

"Can you walk? I'll take you to the hospital wing."

Lily tried to ignore the searing pain in her head and her aching back. "I'm alright. I can go alone."

"Are you sure?"

Lily was surprised by his gentle and concerned voice. She nodded again, weakly. 

"Listen, Lily – I didn't mean to do that, I'm really sorry about that..."

Lily looked at him in amazement, she'd never thought Severus could actually feel something like guilt, let alone apologize to her. Again the thought that he looked vulnerable struck her and she gave him a weak smile.

"It's alright", she said. "I know you didn't mean to." She picked up her wand and went out of the room, Severus staring after her. 

***

Slightly dizzy, the pain pounding in her head, Lily arrived at the hospital wing. After telling Madam Pomfrey shortly what had happened, she found herself lying in a bed, gulping down some medicine. 

"You will be alright by tomorrow, dear", Madam Pomfrey said and left the room.

Lily lay still in her bed, staring at the ceiling. Thoughts whirled about in he head. Pictures kept looming up. Severus' shocked face as she flew through the air, Severus kneeling beside her, regarding her with concern, Severus' guilty face as he apologized to her. She couldn't help thinking of him, couldn't forget the look in his eyes. She had discovered that he was vulnerable and had feelings just like everyone else under his mocking, offending and conceited exterior. And she knew that with that accident something between them had vanished. The tension, the strained atmosphere between them was gone and was replaced by something else, though she couldn't name it. She wasn't sure but when she now thought of Severus it was in a completely different way. It wasn't an unpleasant thought anymore but a thought that was welcome.

***

She didn't know that at this very moment Severus had very similar thoughts. After Lily had left for the hospital wing, he returned to his dormitory, deep in thought. The moment she had layn on the floor as though dead had shown him that she wasn't indifferent to him. He wouldn't have thought it possible if he hadn't experienced it. Remembering her bright emerald eyes and her shining red hair, he wondered why he hadn't noticed all that before. Also, he suddenly became aware that she had been sincerely nice to him. She hadn't blamed him for hitting her with that curse and had forgiven him immediately. He felt a wave of guilt again. _I'm going to make up for that_, he thought and strange enough, he looked forward to seeing her again. 


	3. The Kiss

Pain In My Heart

Pain In My Heart

Chapter 3

The next day, Lily was released from the hospital wing, her head perfectly painfree. She went straight to the Great Hall where breakfast was still held to meet her friends. In a very good mood she fought her way over to the Gryffindor table where Kat, Anita, James and Sirius were sitting and greeted them with a happy "good morning".

"Lily!" Anita called with a trace of reproach in her voice. "Where have you been all night? We were so worried about you!"

Lily told them about the accident and all four of them were outraged about what Severus had done.

"That git! He'll pay for that!" Sirius spat.

"He didn't do it on purpose –" Lily tried to defend Severus.

"You can't be serious! That's just the thing he would do!" James said.

"No, really –"Lily began but Kate interrupted her. "Wait a moment", she said suspiciously. "Since when are _you_ standing for Snape? Don't tell me you've suddenly discovered a liking for him!"

"No, of course not!" Lily said quickly. "How could I? He's teased me enough to last me a lifetime." But at the same moment she realised that this was not true. It was a startling thought but she realised that she _did_ actually like him since that accident that had changed everything. And now she came to think about it – she didn't only like him but almost – 

__

No, stop that, Lily! she told herself firmly. _Just because he has been nicer than usual to you doesn't mean_...yet she couldn't stop thinking of him. 

***

On Friday Severus went to the Defence Against the Dark Arts classroom quite early to have a little time for himself. He looked out of the window into the Hogwarts grounds his mind on Lily. In the last days he had become aware that he actually loved Lily, there was no mistaking in that longing he felt when he thought of her. But would she love him back? He looked at his own reflection in the window pane, at his greasy black hair and his sallow skin. _Will someone ever be able to love me?_ he wondered. 

***

It was also a completely different Lily who made for the Defence Against the Dark Arts classroom this evening. She was actually looking forward to this session, eager to see Severus again but at the same time dreading he might be his former unpleasant and sarcastic self again. How could she be sure this time on Tuesday hadn't been an exception? He might have been too shocked to be unpleasant to her or his feelings had changed again? _What if it's all over?_ Lily thought. Her heart beating very fast she opened the door to the Defence Against the Dark Arts classroom. Severus turned away from the window and – he _smiled_ as he saw her. Lily's heart leapt. No, he hadn't changed since the last time, he hadn't gone back to being sarcastic to her. Lily smiled at him too. 

"Hello", she said shyly. 

"Hello", he returned warmly. "Are you alright again? Listen, I wanted to apologize again for hitting you so hard with that curse –"

Lily waved a hand. "It's alright. It wasn't your fault." She smiled. "Let's start practicing, shall we?"

"Yes, of course", Severus nodded. "Now, show me the wrist movement you make while blocking a curse."

Lily took her wand and waved it somewhat awkwardly. 

"No wonder the spell doesn't work, you're doing it wrong." Severus said. "Look here." He showed her a very elegant movement with his own wand. Lily tried again and failed once more. 

"Let me show you", Severus said, taking her hand in his and guiding it. Lily felt a strange prickle as he touched her bare skin. 

"Got it?" he asked releasing her hand. "Try on your own now."

Lily felt a bit disappointed that he had released her hand so quickly. It had been a good feeling as he had held it. She tried the movement again, now doing a bit better. 

"Good. We're getting there. Now you have to think firmly on blocking the curse. Concentrate on it. And then say '_Fermato_'. I'm going to disarm you now. Ready?"

Lily nodded. She held her wand in front of her, trying hard to concentrate on the thought '_block it_'. That, however, was rather difficult since her thoughts kept drifting back to the moment as Severus had touched her hand. She just couldn't help thinking of it. And as Severus finally sent the disarming charm on her (this time a much weaker one) she failed again. Her wand soared into the air and Snape caught it. 

Lily gave a sigh. "I really don't know how I shall ever manage that!" She went to fetch her wand from Severus. But not being able to tear her eyes away from him and not paying attention she tripped over the hem of her own cloak and just as Severus said: "Don't worry. We'll man –" she bumped right into him losing her balance. Severus caught her in his arms. 

Blushing crimson, Lily looked up at him. "Sorry", she mumbled. "I –" Their faces were iches apart, she could feel his breath on her face. For seconds that seemed like an eternity they held each others gaze. 

__

My God, thought Severus, _she's so beautiful_. And as if being drawn to her by magic he pulled her close to him and kissed her for all he was worth. She smelled of roses and he breathed in the smell as if he'd never smelled anything so sweet before. 

Lily put her arms around him, running one hand up his spine and making him shiver. His lips were warm and soft on hers. Her heart was pounding against her ribcage. She hooked her arms around his neck thinking _Please don't ever let this stop. _

He kissed her more fiercely, running his hands through her hair, pressing her still closer to him. He could feel her trembling in tension and breathlessly he kissed her again and again, hungry for more. 

Lily felt giddy, there was a roaring in her ears and the overwhelming sensation that took place in her made her knees give away. Against her chest she could feel his heartbeat. He was kissing her so forcefully now, it was almost hurting. But she didn't care. She just wanted it to go on and on. 

After what seemed like hours they broke apart, both out of breath and exhausted but happier than they had ever been in their lives. 

"I love you", Lily whispered. 

"I love you too", Severus whispered equally. 

Once again they gripped each other in a tight embrace. Lily put her head on Severus' shoulder and thought: _This is the happiest moment in my life!_

Several minutes passed with them just standing there holding each other silently. 

At length Lily murmured: "I've got to go. It's near midnight already." She brushed his cheek with her hand and went out of the room to her dormitory. 

***

This night neither of them could sleep. Lying in bed, staring through a gap in the curtains of her four-poster at the starry sky, Lily turned today's events over and over in her head. This kiss had been breath-taking, overwhelming. Still shivers were running down her spine when she thought about it. She was longing to experience it again, to feel him, smell him, taste him again.

***

Severus had eqal thoughts as he lay on his back in his bed staring into the darkness. Just like her he couldn't forget that kiss. And he was aware that from this moment on he needed her more than anything else. He was dying to see her again and it seemed like ages until next Tuesday when they would meet again. Filled with an almost unearthly yearning he finally fell into an uneasy sleep. 

Next and last chapter probably by tomorrow.

Thanks to:

Rajia, Mirth02, Snifflez Wifflez and some girl.


	4. Bitter Truth

A/N: Here's the last chapter. The final scene was inspired by Firecross's An Exercise In Cruelty. I can highly recommend that fic. Go read it!

**Disclaimer: I realized that I forgot to write a disclaimer throughout the story. So I'm doing this for all four chapters now: All characters and settings belong to the great JK Rowling apart from Lily's friends Kathleen Wood and Anita Jones and the spell Fermato which I derived from the Italian word for 'stop'. (Sadly, I don't know anything in Latin or I would have taken that).**

Pain In My Heart

Chapter 4

From now on Lily and Severus saw each other as often as possible. Both not feeling like sharing the truth with anyone else, they kept their love secret, always coming up with new excuses to their friends. Especially Lily didn't want her friends to know about her love since they all hated Severus and she feared they might take vengeance on him for that. So she invented excuses whenever she was about to meet Severus, telling her friends Professor Flitwick had ordered to increase their practice in duelling. 

However, slowly but surely Lily's marks in Defence Against the Dark Arts improved and their training sessions would soon come to an end.

So one evening Lily told Severus in a sad voice: "You know, Flitwick told me today that I had really improved in duelling and that I could stop with the tuition. Do you know what that means? Either we tell everyone about us or –" she broke off. 

Severus nodded. "Are you sure you want to tell your friends?" he asked. "They won't like it."

Lily sighed. "What choice do we have? I only fear they might do something to you if they find out I'm in love with you. They'll blame you for it. You know they hate you."

"Don't worry about that. They thing _I worry about is that they might leave you because of me...I don't want to make you unhappy."_

"If they leave me only because of you, they are no real friends and I won't give a damn about them! How could you make me unhappy? I've never been so happy in my life!"

And she put her arms around him and kissed him passionately. _I would do everything for you, she thought. She let go of herself and lent into that kiss. Severus kissed her back with an intensity that was overwhelming. Lily had the feeling of drowning in his kisses._

Severus gripped her very tightly. He didn't want to lose her...

Exactly at that moment the door banged open. Severus let go of Lily and turned to look. There, in the door stood Sirius, mouth open. "Lily!" he said in horror. "What are you doing?"

Lily glanced at Severus, startled.

"Sirius, wait! I have to explain you something."

She went to Sirius ushering him out into the corridor turning round once more to give Severus a helpless look.

As soon as she had closed the door Sirius shouted at her: "What do you think you're doing?!" He eyed her suspiciously. "Did he do something to you?"

"Please, Sirius, he hasn't done anything to me. I just love him."

"You _love him?? Since when?"_

"Since the first training session we had together."

"Lily, do you know _who you are loving? That's Severus Snape! He has a hand in more dark business than you can think of! With his Slytherin gang he's worshipping the Dark Lord, they're torturing Muggles... He hasn't told you that, has he? Probably because he has his plans with you. Introduce you to the Dark Lord or sacrifice you. Remember: you are Muggle-born. You do realize that he's only using you?"_

Lily had gone very pale. "Torturing Muggles? Is that true?" she asked her voice trembling.

"Of course it is", Sirius replied bitterly. "He has no scruples. The best for yourself is if you stay away from him as far as possible. Forget him. He's not worth your love."

"I didn't know that..." Lily whispered horrified.

***

Lily had dreaded their next meeting. As she entered the classroom she tried to hide her feelings and greeted Severus in what she hoped was a cheerful voice but failed.

"What's up?" he asked. "Something's depressing you."

Lily dared not look into his eyes. She decided, however, to tell him the truth. 

"Is it true that you belong to the supporters of Voldemort?" she asked looking out of the window.

Severus straightened up. "I suppose Black told you? Well, yes, it's true, I belonged to a group of Slytherins that supported the Dark Lord. There is no point in denying that. However, I haven't met them for a rather long time now. Actually since we are together. And I promised myself not to go back to them. Believe me. I left them for good."

"How could I believe you? Sirius told me what you were doing. Torturing Muggles, serving and worshipping Voldemort. Once you've started with it you won't come out of it anymore. How can I be sure you changed? How can I be sure you won't get back to doing all these things?" she said with tears in her eyes. "Why didn't you ever tell me?"

"Because I dreaded your reaction. I feared you might leave me if you found out."

"If you had told me yourself, it might have been different. However, now..."

"Please, you have to trust me. It's over."

"How am I supposed to trust you ever again now? You hid all that from me. You didn't even have the courage to tell me. Or who knows for whatever reason you hid it from me. Maybe you really had your plans with me." Lily said disgusted. "I doubt I will ever be able to trust you again."

"In that case I think it's really better if we part. The way you're acting at the moment...it's ridiculous. If you can't trust me anymore and you can't even bear my past, there is no hope for us." he said with bitterness. "And I was damn right, wasn't I?" he added with a bitter laugh. " You reacted exactly the way I thought. Go, join your friends! You seem to care more about them than me if you believe them rather than me." He briskly turned his back on her unable to bear her sight.

Lily choked on her tears. His last harsh words had hurt her deeply. She couldn't get a word out. It was as if she had just received a blow into her stomach region. Unable to hold the tears back any longer she ran out of the room.

Severus sat down heavily on a chair. He felt miserable. It didn't improve his mood that he might have pretended this incident if he had told her himself. He felt a strong urge to follow her and apologize but he was too proud. _Go after her, said a voice in his head. "No!" he said loudly. __I can't._

He felt his stomach twist as if he was about to be sick, his heart felt as if it was being torn up. How could he go on without her? A single tear rolled down his cheek.

Suddenly a wave of hatred swept through him. Black! It was all his fault! Who knew what he had been telling Lily about him? It was Black's fault that he had just lost the only person in the world he really loved and cared about. He swore to take revenge for that one day.

***

Meanwhile Lily in her dormitory burst into tears. She still loved Severus more than anything else but she didn't think she would be able to live with him when permanently his past was looming over them and especially not after this incident today. The thought made her suffering even worse. It hurt so much that the pain was almost physical. She wished she could just go back to him and forget about everything that had happened today. But she, too, was too proud. She just didn't manage to do that.

***

It had been the last day they spoke to each other. From now on they avoided to come near the other.

Lily tried her best to forget her love and Severus, though she never completely managed it. She trained hard for Quidditch, spent as much time as possible with her friends and slowly started to grow on James. But even after having married him in lonely hours she thought of Severus and cried. 

Severus also tried to drown his pain by spending much time with his Slytherin mates and got deeper and deeper into the Dark Arts and Voldemort's circle. He had even a harder time than Lily to wipe out his love for her. In fact, as long as he lived he couldn't get rid of it and was never able to love someone again. And it wasn't until Lily had died and he stood in front of her grave on a cold grey day 11 years later that he realized where his pride had taken him. 

Not a soul was there in the graveyard apart from him. Loneliness crept through him and filled every inch of his body, cruel and cold as ice. No flowers adorned Lily's grave, not at this time of the year anyway. They were all wilted and withered. He looked at the grey tombstone where Lily's name was engraved right beneath James's. Soon her name would weather more and more until it disappeared completely and no one would remember who had been buried there. The remembrance would fade just like her name on the stone...

The rain that had started to come down from the cloudy grey sky mingled with the tears that were running down Severus's cheeks so that they became indistinguishable. He didn't care that he became slowly soaking wet, he didn't even realize it. All he could feel was a devastating emptiness and pain in him. As long as Lily had lived he had been able to hate James for his luck to have her, this hatred had kept him alive and he had had – even if tiny – a ray of hope to maybe win her back. He hadn't believed it himself but this grain of hope had been there nonetheless. Now it had gone... Lily was dead. There was nothing...nothing...

He thought of their last day in their Fifth Year when they had had that argument.

_If only I had followed her, if I had held her back, he thought desperately, __I could have saved our love, I maybe even could have saved her life! But it was too late._

"Why?" he screamed.

In a wave of deepest desperation he dropped to his knees. He couldn't bear it any longer. Breaking down he wept into the wet grass that surrounded the grave. He had lost everything. Nothing of all the happy time with Lily was left, nothing but a pain in his heart...

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*** The End ***

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